


It's Not Like I'll Lose Sleep Over It

by Practically_Human



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Gender Dysphoria, Genderqueer Character, Misgendering, My First Fanfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, basically projecting onto Patton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-21 14:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21076724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Practically_Human/pseuds/Practically_Human
Summary: As Patton gets ready for bed, some unwelcome, intrusive thoughts make make their presence known.





	It's Not Like I'll Lose Sleep Over It

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings:  
-mentions of misgendering  
-suicidal thoughts  
-gender dysphoria
> 
> Let me know if I need to add anymore tags, and please be safe.

Patton looked away from the bathroom mirror, not sure what to do next. He had just gotten done with his daily evaluation of everything wrong with him. He shook his head to clear the unwanted thoughts and began his shower. With that out of the way, Patton dried off as quickly as possible and began to look for something to sleep in.

Since his mom refused to purchase him a binder, Patton was forced to wear multiple sports bras, and sometimes several tank tops. To give his chest a break, Patton just stuck to one sports bra and a baggy shirt, praying to whatever deity that it could hide something that had such a hard time being hidden.

It was pointless, he knew. No matter how many sports bras or tank tops he piled on his chest, it could never give him the flat look that he so craved. Patton did his best to ignore the largeness that was his chest, and tried to focus on other things.

Unfortunately those other things were things he thought a lot about lately, whether he wanted to or not. How he felt gender-wise.  
Whether feeling nothing was normal. Getting called a girl no matter how many times you say you’re not. Getting misgendered was bad enough, but so was doing it to yourself. Slipping up when referring to yourself. Thinking that all everyone sees is a girl. A girl that can’t make up her mind.  
When Patton first came out to his parents, they seemed fine with it. That, however was thrown out the metaphorical window when they would slip up as well. Although it hardly seemed like slipping up, more like they weren’t even trying. Is it that hard to not call someone a girl? It shouldn’t be. Not when you are actually thinking about it with the other person in mind. They threw terms like, “girl,” and “mama,” so easily, never thinking otherwise. Patton could only remember two times in which they corrected themselves, mainly due to Patton reminding them.

Patton also had to remind them that the whole, “transgender,” thing wasn’t a phase. That he didn’t choose to feel this way. That all this pain felt on a daily basis wasn’t because he wanted attention. That he was still the person he’s always been.  
Patton noticed his mom acting differently around him. Saying his name with more force than necessary and having the nerve to ask if he still liked Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir, even after he spent five minutes ranting about the newest episode. Each time events like this transpired, he fought the urge to shout, saying he’s still the same person he has always been.

Patton felt his eyes water and quickly wiped away unshed tears, refusing to let them fall. He was exhausted, but couldn’t will himself to turn out the light.  
Not knowing what else to do, Patton grabbed his sketchbook and opened to a blank page. He his pencil drag across the page without thinking of anything in particular. The slow strokes of the pencil began to look familiar. 

The scene was of himself, drawn in midair with small lines indicating that gravity was taking affect. Next to him was a large building, likely a parking garage. That was it. Patton knew this image like the back of his hand, haunting his mind, never leaving him alone. It’s funny, being babysat by your own suicidal thoughts. Thoughts that are made to provide a solution to the pain. 

You can put an end to all this suffering, kiddo.

You have the power to do this.

Jump off of something, ANYTHING. 

It doesn’t even have to be a parking garage. Something over 20-30 feet would likely do the job.  
Just do it. You know you want to.

Stop complaining to your friends about all your “problems.”

If these things bother you so much, just put an end to it all.

NO.

Patton wiped his nose and the tears that had fallen without his permission. He closed the sketchbook, and wiped his eyes one last time as yawn shook his entire being. It seemed that sleep would probably be on his good side tonight. As he spared on last glance at the abandoned sketchbook that sat forebodingly on his nightstand, he turned out the light. One last yawn left him as he welcomed the bittersweet darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I put Patton through this. I really needed to write something like this. 
> 
> Anyway, as this was my first fanfic, advise and constructive criticism is encouraged. I do plan to get better at this writing thing.
> 
> Love you all.


End file.
